He Who has a why can endure any How

A forced pause on our busy default mode has compelled me, or many of us to take a hard long look within ourselves at how we’re ‘doing life’. Calmer waters (before CoVid) create conditions for mindlessly skimming along the surface of life, hastily racing from weekend to another, one accomplishment to another, often to fill some deep seated need to prove or please or impress or protect - from who or what, we’re not quite sure.

Yet when storm waves blow in (in this mother storm of a CoVid where not everybody is on the same boat), lives built on some of superficial values and held by untamed fears of inadequacy and insecurity can quickly fall to pieces. As they say, the problem with modern life is that accomplishments cannot produce deep satisfaction.

While we may not enjoy the auto-pilot of our lives being disrupted, this crisis holds a silent invitation for transformation at the deepest level – individually and collectively.

And while I mention courage of reflection and transformation, i am no immune to fear than anyone else. With nowhere to go, this enforced slow-down has highlighted my fear of inadequacy and found me forever striving, trying, yet never arriving- on my race to an imaginary finish line.

How do we reset our attention on the things that matter most?
How can this seemingly gift of crisis be a blessing for lucky people not in the frontlines to pause, and recalibrate our ideas of success?
Much like how the capitalist/consumerist model of this world stresses the earth's natural beauty, have we, as people, been too busy, doing too much? For what?

If this crisis has taught me anything, it's that humanity's temporal range is short, and life is both incredibly fragile and immensely precious. There is no other time but now to stop, and reflect for a more noble purpose. Yet amid a future filled with uncertainty lay unlimited possibilities for me, and us to change the way the world works in more impactful ways.

A Lonely City

Adrift and alone in the city that promises its inhabitants "the better life". I cycle through a series of temporary homes — sublets, friends’ apartments, and various borrowed quarters, only amplifying the sense of otherness and alienation as I am forced to make a life among someone else’s things, in a home that someone else has created and long since.

But therein lies an inescapable metaphor for life itself — we are, after all, subletting our very existence from a city and a society and a world that have been there for much longer than we have, already arranged in a way that might not be to our taste, that might not be how the building would be laid out and its interior designed were we to do it from scratch ourselves. And yet we are left to make ourselves at home in the way things are, imperfect and sometimes downright ugly. The measure of a life has to do with this subletting ability — with how well we are able to settle into this borrowed, imperfect abode and how much beauty we can bring into existence with however little control over its design we may have.

This, perhaps, is why I found my, if temporary, respite from loneliness in an activity propelled by the very act of leaving this borrowed home: walking.

In certain circumstances, being outside, not fitting in, can be a source of satisfaction, even pleasure. There are kinds of solitude that provide a respite from loneliness, a holiday if not a cure. Sometimes as I walked, roaming under the stanchions of Cavenagh bridge, or the aromatic Serangoon road.

I didn’t get this feeling when I was in my apartment; only when I was outside, either entirely alone or submerged in a crowd. In these situations I felt liberated from the persistent weight of loneliness, the sensation of wrongness, the agitation around stigma and judgement and visibility. But it didn’t take much to shatter the illusion of self-forgetfulness, to bring me back not only to myself but to the familiar, excruciating sense of lack.

Mercury

Sometimes you tell yourself to chill out and just live in the present. Other times you get so worked up on what's happening in the present that you daydream a lot about the past, and especially what could you do in the future.

At the present, I am dreaming of a slow life in the farm - a small cabin, tending to my farm crops, and having a sustainable lifestyle.

You can actually do it now - but why wait?

Because you have to save more for?

The alien project

Exactly two years ago - i was battling with a mild depression, homesickness and a lot of push and shove with my emotions. Drawing was my therapy, concocting this project about an alien who wants to go home. It had a simple premise and story - he needs to collect the parts in order to go home.

On being Entrepreneurial, and other things

My current work demands or requires me to think like everything is a business. The entrepreneurial senses always need to be up on every decision.

Questions arise like:

When is the ROI?
How much is the capital expenditure?
What's in it for me?
What's the unit cost?

Will try to revive this space

There's this constant nagging to oneself if the 'value' of your digital assets (records of your real life experiences, blogs, game saves, instagram feed, online popularity) is of equal importance to your real assets (the stuff in real life).

Of course, one can argue that they're not as important as the 'real' ones - but in this digital era, where almost every human connection (a fundamental value of our existence) we experience is online - how can they not be valuable?

Curiosity vs Guts

It just sort of turned into a habit. I do it even when nobody's looking, when i'm in my room all by myself. I'm a perfectionist. What is they say - 'Fool yourself to fool others'? But anyhow, Miss Frou, tell me, have you got guts?"

"Not really, no."
"Never had 'em?"
"No, I was never one for guts. Not likely to change, either."
"How about curiosity?"
"Curiosity's another matter. I;ve got some of that."
"Well, don't you think guts and curiosity are kind of similar?" said Frou.
"Where there's guts there's curiosity, and where there's curiosity there's guts. No?"
"Hmm, maybe they are kind of similar," I said. "Maybe you're right. Maybe they do overlap at times."
"Times like when you sneak into somebody's backyard, say."

"Yeah, like that," I said, rolling  a lemon drop on my tongue. "When you sneak into somebody's backyard, it does seem that guts and curiosity are working together. Curiosity can bring guts out of hiding at times, maybe even get them going. But curiosity usually evaporates. Guts have to go for the long haul. Curiosity's like a fun friend you can't really trust. It turns you on and then it leaves you to make it on your own - with whatever guts you can muster."

She thought this over for a time. "I guess so," she said. "I guess that's one way to look at it."

2012 "lakwatsa" in Retrospect

Two thousand and twelve has been really kind to me. Looking back, and listing down every single moment, I would think that all of it aren't just ordinary days, or trips, or even work. There are no ordinary moments, as they say. Every single thing that the universe conspired has its own reasons. Whether good or bad, I learned to appreciate it. After all, mistakes shape us, and apart from these departure-arrival scenes that took over my year, I am very thankful for everything. To a tougher, wiser, and hmmm a lot less emo?! Haha

So without further ado (and before I say too much inspirational-shenanigan), and however late this post may be, I present to you the highlights of my 2012 lakwatsa in retrospect.

dududunn.**   ** * < )//''** o*
(not necessarily in chronological order but most probably will be in a chronological order.)



HKG
Location: Hong Kong
Hong Kong or 香港, in a nutshell is a place full of people with small chinky eyes. The family planned this trip the year before. Here, I almost lost my beloved film camera, met a really warm Filipino family and witnessed the play of lights amidst the skyrocketing skyscrapers of the so-called Commercial hub of Asia.  I went to the land of that big-eared mouse and Ocean adventure, which is, by the way, the best amusement park i've been to, after Enchanted Kingdom, obviously. I like the tram, by the way.... Hmm and the fact that they serve milk tea at McDonalds.

Happy Christmas!

6:00 pm, I took out my bike, plugged my earphones and started to pedal along the dimly-lit street of our neighborhood. It's Christmas by the way, and I can really tell that it is a whole lot different than before. Those houses that used to be serenaded by Christmas carols and flickering lights are now gone. Every house I pass by looked haunted, devoid of families that used to celebrate their Christmas at home. Probably everyone is enjoying their hard earned money in the consumer capital of the Philippines, or just chilling out in the sterile moneymaking malls.

I don't have anything against this, but it's just depressing that a lot of things has changed. The warmth I've been looking from a more personal and warm approach of Christmas, is now, somehow, replaced by the warmth of laptops, social networking, and mobile devices, e.g. (Facebook). What was once a day of hugs, handshakes, chatter, laughter, kisses, now became a day of virtual interaction. Sure, there are a lot of things that helps us connect by the dawn of the internet, I myself is an avid user and a victim, maybe. But this technology, when abused, can change a certain habit, a culture, or even a society.

Maybe I just miss those days when our family would just sit down the couch, listen to christmas songs or watch a movie on the eve and waiting for little kids sing their carols. A nice cup of hot chocolate before bedtime, and to wake up with presents waiting to be opened under the christmas tree.

And so, after those two hours of riding my bike around the neighborhood aimlessly looking for a thing that I don't know if still exists, I went back to our home and closed the gates.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Paper soldier

Eight days before christmas!

Technically it's monday now, and I still haven't got enough sleep. (There will be work this morning, and a couple of days before Christmas!). I am quite excited for christmas, by the way, apart from the gifts and all that consumerism stuff, haha! It's the only time I get to rest (mentally).

So tonight I just finished watching this underrated (but specifically awesome) one-shot shojo anime by Yuki Midorikawa. It enforced my overall appreciation of the yokai and everything that comes with it. Take note that I've been an avid watcher of his Book of Friends Series, so i am hoping I got the right background to support that. I am eager to do a review but I have no time!

Anyway, the illustration part is on full swing! I've been practicing a lot and trying different techniques in my idle time, trying my best to draw at least three per day. I'm sure I've got a long way to go... but there are a lot of inspirations lately, so I think this streak will take longer as it should. A friend said books now aren't that practical sources of design inspiration because we have the internet! He's right, to be honest, since I got most of it from different sites. Whatever I like, I just save it, study it and will try to incorporate in my design.

I was about to promise myself that I won't buy another sketchbook if I haven't finished the first one I bought, but I broke it shortly after I saw these really cool sketchbooks yesterday!

Tater

Sketching!

Hello, blog! I just want you to know that I am alive and I'm taking my time  doing some shitload of extra-curricular activities while working. And that is--- sketching!

So before you judge me, I would like to point out that I just started making serious moves in this hobby of mine. I used to doodle a lot in my readings and on borrowed books from the library before.

Now I am trying to be more observant and to keep this skill fully-sharpened so when I decided to have some kind of post-quarterlifecrisis decision on my career direction, I'd have something to do. Hehe!

Manila

Some photographs developed from our walk last June. We went to Binondo, Intramuros and Escolta. It was a summer-y morning, just like today, despite the Monsoon season. However, it rained in the afternoon while we were in Escolta.

I just turned o-n-e

Hmmm. Lemesee. I think it has been a while since I left this blog void of updates last July. Honestly the only reason I have is that i am too lazy to write........ (or too busy with work..? NOT!) However I still think one needs to have some dedication on something he ought to do -- and I feel bad about the wasted time (and money!, i am paying for the domain name you know) that I should have shared a lot via this blog.

But! I've been to places i never thought I'd be for the last three months, and I can't wait to share it here.

Cutterpillow

I am no mountaineer. I don't even know if i am classified as "amateur". But one thing's for sure: I've grown a strong attachment to the outdoors, especially the mountains and to enjoy the company of people who share the same passion; hence my first (and hopefully not last), investment on this new addiction.

I figured it would be time to reward myself with something that I know I will always use.
Meet Cutterpillow, my first hiking companion.

Tarak Ridge: Weekend dayhike

A week after our postponed twin-climb in Batangas, the mountainist Ivan took the initiative in making up for the lost time and planning effort by letting us hike with him in the craggy and sharp rocks of Tarak ridge, a well-known spot for hiker-wannabes like me. Hence, making this my first major climb. Take note, though, that this is not your typical walk-in-the-park type of adventure as tough trails and deadly cliffs are out and about. 

I tried my best to capture what my lens and film could see, while treading the forty-five degree slopes of the trail. Here are some of the selected unprocessed photos from my camera.

Let go.

One should learn to just be aware of things without feeling the need to change them. So often we look at something -- or someone (even ourselves) -- with the feeling that we need to change the situation or the person. Life will be less stressful if we simply look at things and people as they are - without trying to change them.

Most of us want to control things rather that simply be aware of them. We make judgments as to whether something is good or bad. Isn't it more relaxing when we learn to just observe without passing judgement.

It's like falling asleep. You create the "right" conditions, and then you "let go." Trying to force yourself to fall asleep usually makes you more awake.

Seven years from now

I'd be somewhere living in a quaint rustic village along the countryside, on a tree house, filled with old and new things, photograph prints plastered on walls, frames and mementos from my travels, enveloped by the smell of coffee or rosemary and alluded with innocuous humming of birds and kids outside.

Then my girlfriend would visit, bringing with her stories and souvenirs from a trip with her family and friends. We'd prepare our afternoon snack: seafood pasta in alfredo cream sauce. i'd chop the onions, she'd put the water to a boil. after which we'd enjoy the late afternoon sun below the good ol' camphor tree in the garden while we chomp down the last of the pasta strands.

Of course i am working on my own studio, which i will call atelier, designing homes and open spaces while i do some animation/sculpture work and a sideline from National Geographic. During my free time, i would enjoy myself inside the darkroom, developing photographs and printing them on chlorobromide papers.

On sunny weekends, i'd go out for a walk or a random trip out of town, or seeing friends everytime they are available, we'd go for a cup of coffee while planning future adventures together. Most of the time i'd come visit my parents and brothers in their own abodes. Mom and Dad would be leisurely running their garden restaurant or could be out of town too, touring the world aboard a five-star cruise ship. My brothers will have their own successful lives as well, living the life they chose and doing the thing they love.

Otherwise, i'll probably just be an action-star-slash-supervillain.

What's up!

It's been nearly a month since I last updated. To tell you the truth, I'm not that hardcore-busy to neglect the updating of this blog. I just felt lazy every time I go home. You see, I also keep a day job and things have been pretty rough lately regarding schedules. On the contrary, I tried my best to get my weekends off and to have some fun outside so it would be unfair to this blog of mine if i won't even publish it.

My semi epic adventure in the Bataan Peninsula commenced last week from a nearly short notice invite from my Mountainist friend Ivan. At first I thought he was joking because just a week ago, he was hit by a motorcycle in front of Rizal's monument -- incurring facial injuries, and postponing our supposed-to-be-twin-hike. But look, here he is now, with us in the ridge of Tarak, Mt. Mariveles, overlooking Manila bay-Corregidor smiling as a sunny-day as ever.

I honestly felt proud for myself  in scaling this mountain since it is my first major climb 4/9 difficulty, and towering to 1,006 MASL. There are things that didn't go according to plan though (forgetting to bring a hiking shoe, being left by the last bus trip home among other things) However, It doesn't matter anymore because we made it on top and bottom alive! I will make sure to have a separate post for this.

---

I just noticed, most of my trips outside Manila always fall to the North. I seldom go south-er than Batangas. I've been to Ilocos, La Union, Pangasinan, Benguet, Tarlac, Zambales, Pampanga, and Bataan, but not Bicol, nor even Palawan. Probably if I'd be given a chance, I'll book a flight to Puerto Princesa or Bacolod, or I might just catch a PNR Train from Manila and experience the sleeper couches of the Bicol Express. How positively inviting! :D

My first company outing happened here, in one of the famous surfing spots in PH; La Union. Facing the west Philippine sea, the sunset is nearly breathtaking. I personally like the colors that dissipate in the horizon. Too bad i didn't even experience surfing here =( because I woke up late and didn't catch my friends in their lessons. Although I was able to swim until dawn and caught the sunrise while battling the big waves. 

Also, we had a very spontaneous trip to Baguio the day after! From La Union we took the alternative route from the western side of the Mountain range and arrived in the city proper at noon. We had lunch on a cozy and remote restaurant which served one of the best vegetable stews I tasted.

Getting around this mountain city is getting harder and harder by each trip I had here. Vehicles flocked every street. There are still locals (i don't even know if these are true locals) rented for the photo op. But still I find it amusing that they were able to pull off a funny pose.

I've been really really stoked to update this blog since the start of the day but I'm still in the process of collating all photos and articles I made. So, that's all folks! :D