My life for the past few months has been a series of uphill, but mostly downhill. Sometimes, I contemplate on writing my daily dose of adventures and mishaps in this online diary for recently this blog has been a collection personal tragedies and unfulfilled desires instead of what i want it to be -- a travel/inspiration blog. However, I held back, thinking, what is the sense of doing so? For what? What’s the point of opening one’s life into people who might not know you and just so happen to come across your blog? Who cares? Who would be interested in reading your sadness, your deepest sorrows, your unfulfilled desires, and your disappointments? I guess it’s easier to open up your victory and accomplishments–brag about them and indulge in self-glorification. But all those which trouble your soul–that’s another story.
Nowadays, people look for some interesting read. Something that would inspire them; not drag them in the same old shit and that would remind them of their own troubles. People say, life is good, and if you’re up to it, you’ll be able to master and stir it in your preferred direction. But does it really happen in reality? I believe so then. But things turned to be not-s-good, that I began to doubt myself.
This is not the usual me. I have always been known to be the ever so idealistic my-little-ray-of-sunshine type of guy. But now, I just feel so down and confused. My boss once said, FOCUS! the problem with most people is that they know what they don’t want but fail to define what they really do want. But I know what I want. And I want it so bad– I even turned hardcore-unbelievably-religious-person-that-I-am-not these past few months. (I mean, I do believe in God, and revere Him all my life, but to initiate a pilgrimage and hop from one church to another and pray to all the known Saints–that’s far beyond the usual me).
Yet and still, I end up in a wasteland. (Well, I still have a one-in-a-millionth-chance, but hoping in it is just as good as throwing myself into oblivion).
Probably I am just disappointed with myself. More so, because I realized I am not as tough as I projected to be. Everything just shook my faith–and I am saddened to know that I could easily stumble with an encounter of some unfortunate event. Fake reverence, if you wish to call it.
Or maybe this is just a spur-of-the-moment rant. I don't know. I am used to disappointments. I have high tolerance of pain. I have a long string of patience. But this was different. And now, I struggle. I suffer.
I need you not empathize with me. Depression is a friend to someone who struggles to have a well-lived life – the continuous baffling and battling of oneself to become someone outside the self.
But does it pay off? I don’t know, really.
Tonight I'm going to finish a post regarding a you're-tagged-you-have-to-post-something game by a good friend Drew. :) I feel kinda excited, so I'm looking forward to evaluating some photos that I took for the past few years.