I want to be a wilderness explorer, someday.

Sometimes, it scares me that I’m acting way beyond my age.  I’m just 21, yet I feel so old. Almost everyone in the office thinks I'm a waste-of-time-to-talk-to dude, typecasting me as an out-of-this-world weirdo, so I'm forced to act what I am not.  My work — everything about it demands maturity and stepping beyond myself.

Sometime I wonder how small I am compared to this world. Is it a matter of numerical value? *photo was taken in our Pinatubo trek last January, where we traversed a colossal sand corridor which would collapse anytime. 

“Byron, do you have plans of being a CEO someday?”

I was taken aback by the question thrown by  a friend, who, like me, asks out-of-the-blue queries.

“No” I said.
 “I have no plans of getting into the managerial side of everything. I'm too inconsistent for that.” I added.

“Most young people would say otherwise.” she said.

“Honestly, I’d rather be a professor-cum-architect someday,” pointing it out matter-of-factly.

Or a wilderness explorer — I thought to myself.

You see, I am leading a very complicated life at the moment.  Time passes swiftly and the recent past just seems so distant.  I feel that my youth is slowly slipping away from me. The great responsibility lying on my shoulders sometimes becomes overwhelming.

No, my problems are not of myself.  I do not worry about finances.  Being single-at-my-age bothers me least. In fact, this is a point where love, even just the thought of it, seems elusive.

I sat in a mentos-shaped bench, somewhere in the chain of urban parks in Makati CBD, while my companions are talking about things that really matter. But who is to say what things really matter are?

I was a mere spectator, listening to these people’s arguments.  They discussed peace, war, Mindanao, local tourism, Chief Justice Corona and several humanitarian efforts on the ground. I looked through the mirror of water created after the heavy rain and thought for a moment what could have been with life had I chose a different way?

I wouldn’t know, really.

I hope that this writing would not be misconstrued as a sign of discontent, or another symptom of my commitment-phobic nature.

No, I am not complaining about my work. I love it and I learn so much from it.  Maybe I haven’t just reconciled to the idea that this is happening too soon.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if there are still things in store for me in the future — would I choose to remain in the same state. Once, I tried to delay, but it seems that no matter what I do, I’m still being led to this. I guess this is just a bittersweet realization that with the life I chose, I need not think of myself this often.

So for now, I need to be selfless to a great extent.

4 comments:

  1. You know, I completely understand how you feel. Sadly the feeling doesn't quite go away as you age.
    And though I felt the same way at 21, I can't help but say it's a little too young to start feeling tired. (at least that's how it sounded to me~) Don't get stuck, keep moving! :)

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  2. It's good to know that someone understands you :) Don't worry, every now and then i still get ample amount of inspirational shots. :D

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  3. I once was in the same situation years ago Byron. My mentality was that of a hippie dude whose goals are often equated to restoring peace and saving the world. I chose to do development/social work and ignore my original battle plan of working in Finance. It made me feel good until I realized that just because your job is noble, does not mean that what you do is noble. Hard to explain really but the experience pretty much gave me a hard kick in the balls and turned me into a realist.

    I now wish I could have given Finance a shot.

    You see, I know it is soooo nice to fantasize about traveling, see places, meet people, eff the system and just be free. Burn your money and take-off on an adventure and never look back. It is so, so nice. But you know what, at the end of the day you have to eat. And yes it is easy to say I can eat anything and live within my small means. I can farm and eat produce every goddam day of my forever. But question is, would you feel decent enough? Knowing that you could have had a better chance in keeping-up with the Joneses? I mean it is not like you are lacking any skills. If you give-up your potentials and allow yourself to get bored at what you are good at this early, seriously dude you will be forever be haunted by questions. QUESTIONS!!! It ain't fun trust me.

    Sure being a slave of gigantic corporations is not always considered as noble as a wilderness explorer but I learned that it will only take a simple change of perspective to make it so. I have a set of parents who had to get rid of whatever hippiness they had in their system and dedicate their whole lives to working stable jobs in huge companies with the main goal of raising decent, well-groomed, well-fed and well-educated kids. I'm not really sure if I have exactly developed into that, but I still consider them as the most noble people on earth.

    Not that I am preaching here but to me really, working is reality. We shouldn't really be completely running away from it. The best way is to always strive to hit the middle ground. Be like Jerome or Merz. They know the perfect formula and they keep the balance.

    You know I plan to become a philanthropist when I am 50 onwards. Then die a happy death afterwards. But now that I am young enough to make money and push my "real world" potentials to their limits, I realized it would be wacky if I don't.

    My point is (after 4 paragraphs haha!), as a friend, my only wish is for you to become a legendary Landscape Architect who in his 40's or 50's became the most awesome wilderness expert in the whole universe (and it would be amazing if your penchant for raunchiness will also make you well-known haha! Jowk!). But you get the point eh?

    Pasensya nacarried away. Bored lang hehe! :D :D :D

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  4. Little boy talaga?!? Hahahaha thanks broder drew, i know we have our own niches in layf. =)

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